So lets recap my life
by Darka Silvath
Summary: Naruto's life is something we've all heard about, but how much do we really know about what went on in the mind of our hero - lets find out.


Chapter 1:

-0-

So lets recap, pretty good start to the day, got up early ready for the gradation exam – though I was completely wiped out from scrubbing all that paint off the monument last night (really shouldn't have used water resistant paint). Drank down some day-old-milk to get my daily intake of calcium and then spent a good half hour puking it up in the toilet, had a cup of ramen (cold of course – bastard landlady won't give me clean water, let alone power for the stove.

But hey I'm getting bogged down on all the depressing stuff, am I right?

So anyhow got over to the academy and tried to impress Sakura, god her hair makes her hot I just can't help imagining looking down at her big green eyes, my hands gently holding her hair, telling her I love her… as her head goes up and down on my cock. – What! Hey I've got no family, no friends, no toys, no one will teach me jutsu, I can't read – which come to think of it might be why no one will teach me anything, but hey please I'm a young maturing boy with tons of free time on his hands and other than pranks there's only so many times you can tell your plants about your day before you start to worry you might be loosing you grip on reality.

Masturbating is a perfect way to pass the time. Also the hole hairy palms thing… complete and utter lie! Now if cum gets on your legs or chest that is another story all together. Now back to Sakura's head, no not her imaginary skills at giving it – though if I looked like Sasuke I'm pretty sure I'd get some (the kid may be a total poof but even I can admit his brooding act seems to work). Getting back to the graduating exam, I took the damn paper and lucky for me it was a tick sheet styled paper, pretty good as I may have mentioned how I can't read. Hell on that subject it's a miracle I can even speak normal though occasionally I get the urge to tell people that their language is crap and English is better. Unfortunately it's another sign of my fucked up subconscious that I don't exactly know what 'English' means.

Well I took a guess and randomly ticked my way down the page, before flipping it over and starting again. I'd feel bad for employing this tactic if it wasn't two facts, A: I can't read and B: the Nara kid two rows down does exactly the same speed style ticking I do and he's below me in the class scoring. So unless the guys "_**a total genius who for some unknown reason that would effect the plot**_," chacterized lazy as hell whiner who can barely be bothered to breath then I feel pretty sure in my passing results. After all as Mizuki Sensei taught me, if at first you don't succeed try again with exactly the same method and third time will be the charm.

Well after a nice nap it was time to be woken up for the weapons testing, I'll admit I was a little distracted during this part but I spent most of the exercise preparation time staring at Sakura's lips. The Pinkett' has an adorable habit of sucking the blunt and looped end of a Kunai, providing me with many a happy night-time memories. Anyway I started out by promoting my career – another tip of Mizuki Sensei's, I love that guy! – followed by a long drawn out Dayatoboe! Now I know that 'Dayatoboe' isn't really a word and I change its spelling and shouted tone everytime I say it but basicly I made it to mean 'Cool, Awesome 7 Day Week, It's a Promise!" I figure an amaligation "_**amalgamation**_" yeah that whatever, would be easier to say and plus it really annoys people.

What? I'm not saying I like annoying people or go out of my way to cause them harm "_**you should.**_" yeah and that's kinda the reason I don't, listening to the voices in my head won't do me any favours I'm sure. Now I hit 7 out of the 13 targets so I thought pretty good, you should have seen how badly some of the other non-ninja families did. People say girls are the worst ninja because they join up for their crushes sake, but hell stalking apparently improves stealth skills and makes them want to learn how to impress their objects of affection. This also means that they are persistent and predominately work hard to progress through the ranks, the boys on the other hand act like a cross between Lazy-boy and duck-but – heh duck-but – they but minimum effort into work and still get to be snobbish and arrogant all of the bastards two discerning qualities.

Look I feel bad for Sasuke sometimes but the fact is – he's an arsehole, was before his clan got murdered and will be long after in years to come. I know girls think brooding is cute but hey I turned myself into a girl to try and see what all the fuss was about, every one of my self made jutsu was to figure something out an adult wouldn't tell me, I just redeployed it for pranks later. In my girl form all I noticed was that the girls looked prettier and I'm pretty sure I wanted to me kissed and cuddle and told 'everything will be allright' fuck that, its why I spend as little time in it as possible. Apparently girls mature faster than boys and my girl form is going through puberty faster than my boy side.

Still it is pretty easy to sneak around in the modified version, if people see a blonde haired girl with big blue eyes their stumped immediately, if people see a blonde haired girl with big blue eyes and dark whisker lines across their face they attack me immediately. Apparently not being able to read makes one dumb, nah it just means that I apply my energy to other areas. Its odd that being a girl ups my accuracy and control, it took me a while to realise the more catra "_**Chakra**_" yeah that – I use makes it easier to practise other jutsu, though to be fair the replacement jutsu is about my only other talent, cause well storage seals don't count. Anyone can do that easily enough. When I transform, I really transform its solid and can't be dispelled unless I want it to, the perfect disguise as everyone thinks the non modified version can be dispelled with a single hit – usually from an irate Sakura.

The second to last portion of the test was to show we could stand in battle against a Sensei, now I like Iruka Sensei as much as the next guy – ok maybe a little more as he buys me food, but Mizuki Sensei is my favourite. Back when I first joined the academy and before I'd failed the first time, I was put in Yamokote Sensei's class. Yamokote was one mean bastard and usually chucked me out of the classroom pretty regularly, the bastard hadn't believed me when I said I couldn't read and told be to stand in the hallway until I could be serious. Bastard left me standing their all day.

Mizuki Sensei wasn't actually a teacher at that point he was training to be one though, after questioning me quite thoroughly about my learning timetable, being thrown out of the room and learning nothing, he offered to teach me in private one-on-one sessions to catch me up. I heard he had a falling out with Iruka over teaching me (before my third year Iruka Sensei hated the very mention of my name, I'm pretty sure it was Mizuki Sensei who told him to give me a chance). Mizuki Sensei taught me his own style, he told me it was unrefined had many flaws but would give someone like me a big advantage in a fight, fights I'd lost against people bigger than me suddenly swung in the other direction as my brawling style slammed them into the ground. 'Strength over Subtlety' was what Mizuki Sensei has said, he told me with my high Chakra levels I'd probably never manage to refine my techniques and I should 'storm the castle' with strength and power techniques. Never did understand all my favourite teachers' metaphors but he'd try his best to explain them.

Taking time to teach me was great, I mean I like Iruka well enough but buying me food and telling me to behave isn't the same as teaching me how to survive in the world. Which meant when Iruka was selected to be my opponent, I wasted no time in facing him down and then socking him in the balls. My fight took three seconds a new academy record, and I took down a Chuunin easy. As I left the arena and the on-sight medic ninja rushed out to give Iruka assistance I'd felt a hand clasp my shoulder warmly, I looked up to see Mizuki Sensei smiling at me. He'd patted me on the back and then left to where the medic-nin was trying to put a green glowing hand over the downed teachers private parts, on that subject I really should have washed my hands after doing that, I don't know where Iruka had been.

The final test was clone jutsu, I had tried to exhaust all my Chakra before this test so that I could make three solid clones and not overload them, and the problem is I don't know many draining techniques and those I know are academy style pathetic. I received and encouraging smile from Mizuki Sensei and a stern glance from Iruka as I prepared my Jutsu I pumped as much Chakra into the air to get rid of it and drain as much as possible but all I managed to do was receive a slightly blue sheen to the spiralling air around me, I released the technique to soon and with an explosion of Chakra release smoke three clones appeared. They'd been pathetic, but Mizuki Sensei tried to get me a pass by pointing out that technically the rules said three clones and didn't say what state they had to be in. It wasn't enough though and Iruka Sensei shot me down – hard.

You'd think I'd get used to having my dreams repeatedly crushed – nope – every time it seems worse. I'd sat on that swing for I don't know how long watching as the pass-ees celebrated with their parents, just another kick in the balls (irony considering what I did to Iruka earlier) but then Mizuki Sensei showed up, he took me out to a roof where we could look over the Village undisturbed. He tried to calm me, comfort me (he's better at teaching but its nice to have someone that really cares enough about me to see me develop as a student). Mizuki Sensei loves reading into the village history and knows tons of old rules that never got disguarded as the previous Kage's of Konoha changed, so when he told me about and old graduating exam tactic that had fallen out of use – hell yeah I believed him – Mizuki Sensei would play with my me like that he's like and older brother or maybe a father to me, the one person I know would never hurt me.

The real challenge would be retrieving it from the old mans office but personally one use of Sexy Jutsu and I so think the scroll is mine. It was carrying off the damn thing was a nightmare though – haven't you people ever heard of volumes?

So I've taken this scroll – they really shouldn't be allowed to make them this big, I've tried learning a single jutsu from it given up and just started copying everything in the scroll onto another scroll, I can look at it later "_**When you can read their stupid scribbles**_" and learn the jutsu then. I'm pretty fast at drawing things; I mean yesterday I drew a full painting of scenery and a alley to a garden to cover my escape from our secret police. Anubu, that word just makes me think of Noobs, people new and dumb and full of preconceptions and misconceptions about the world around them. Guess making it into an elite task force causes you to acquire CS Syndrome – now while its disturbing the voice in my head or possibly my gut as it rumbles when I'm hungry (a lot of the time) came up the idea "_**Damn Straight, I copyrighted that assholes!**_" It basically means that gaining more power of the people around you fucks up the logic centre of the brain.

I'm not trying to worry you its just that I know talking to the voice in my head is a little fucked up, in fact the only thing keeping me from full blown insanity is the fact the voice hasn't really answered back yet.

"_**Would it make you feel better if I did?**_"

Well that's just great, perfect end to a perfect day.


End file.
